Ninja III: The Domination (1984)Written by: Paul Farrell
Believe it or not, there was a time (let’s call it ‘1984’) when ninjas were just about the coolest fucking things on the planet. They could do anything. Literally, anything (and, before you comment, NO I am not misusing the word ‘literally’). In the mind of most 11 year old kids at this particular point in American history, the ninja was the most formidable, badass force in the universe.
Thus, ‘Ninja III: The Domination’ was born. Now, I know what you’re thinking.
If I read about how awesome Ninja III is, it’ll spoil Ninjas 1 and 2!!
Well, dear reader, it’s your lucky day. The title is a bullshit cash in to tie the movie to 2 previous ninja movies made by the same production company. It was an attempt, however feeble, to link the thing to the modicum of financial success (meaning they didn’t lose money) those other two films had seen. So, in essence, you’re totally safe.
So, what is it about? Well, ninjas. More specifically: A ninja. See, there’s this ninja and he goes to a cave to get a bunch of ninja-like weapons. These weapons are EXACTLY what you’d guess if I asked you what kinds of weapons a ninja probably uses. Seriously. I don’t care how little you know about ninjas.
YOU: “Throwing stars?”
ME: YUP.
YOU: “A long, shiny sword in a sheath?”
ME: UH HUH.
YOU: “Um…. yet MORE pointy, metal throwing star things?”
ME: ABSOLUTELY.
Now, before you ask “Where is this cave?” or “Who is this guy?” or “How do we know he’s a ninja?” Just shut up. Because there is only one answer that matters:
HE COVERS HIS FACE EXCEPT FOR THE EYES IN BADASS BLACK NINJA CLOTH.
So, you know, logically the movie cuts from this to a golf course where a rich asshole-ish looking guy is golfing with his hot, scantily clad GF. He’s surrounded by an entourage of men in suits who are so clearly only there to be killed by a ninja, it almost makes their inevitable deaths less fun - almost. Oh man, do those guys get ninja’d.
Oh shit, I mean, DO they get ninja’d? Only time will tell… well, as time would have it, they get ninja’d almost immediately. See the rich guy hits a golf ball into the thicker grass. Having played ‘Mario Golf’ before, I can fully understand how frustrating that can be, so it’s completely understandable that he has one of his cronies retrieve the ball so he can have a ‘do-over’ or whatever.
Well, apparently the Ninja doesn’t cotton to do-overs. As MAN IN SUIT #1 approaches the golf ball, the ball in question is intercepted by none other then THE NINJA. Shocked and dismayed by such an out of place ninja sighting, MAN IN SUIT #1 stares slack jawed as the Ninja proceeds to CRUSH THE GOLF BALL WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
Yes, that’s right friends, the first real thing we see this ninja do, other than steal weapons from some cave near the golf course, is a straight up GOLF BALL CRUSH. MAN IN SUIT #1 is so pissed that an innocent golf ball has lost its life that he gains the brass ballsiness to fucking PUSH THE NINJA. What a mistake.
The ninja grabs his arms and bitch slaps him to what I presume to be his death. That’s when shit gets real. He kills MAN IN SUIT #2 as he runs up to him with a few JUDO CHOPS. That’s when the ninja stars come out of the old ninja pocket (ninja’s have so many pockets, RIGHT?!). He dispatches of MAN IN SUIT #3 with relative ease and sets his sights on what seems like the target, I guess: The Rich Douchebag Golfer who is Straight Up Wearing a Yellow Scarf like an Ascot (Honestly guy, it’s like you WANT to be killed by a ninja).
MAN IN SUIT #4 isn’t having it. He pulls a gun on the ninja. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig mistake MAN IN SUIT #4. For the Ninja knows the gun’s only weakness - WOODEN BLOW DARTS. The old ‘Exploding-Gun-with-Dart’ trick does nothing to ward off MAN IN SUIT(S) #s 5 & 6, so the Ninja is forced to kick them super hard in the face. Then he stabs a bunch of people and picks up a moving golf cart. Like while its moving - he picks it up Hulk style. He swords the GF and then puts his Ninja sword into Yellow Scarf-Ascot’s face. Game - Ninja.
So, yah, that happens like in the first 10 minutes of the movie. In the next 8, he gets chased by cops, kills like a hundred of them, gets shot a ludicrous amount of times, buries himself alive in a matter of seconds, sneaks away to bleed to death, bumps into a female telephone company worker/aerobics instructor and straight up possesses her body upon his death utilizing what can only be described as Ancient Ninja Magics. Got it? What’s that? Why did he kill the Doucher with the scarf? Well, uhh, he’s a scientist or something.. don’t worry about it!
So, yah, logically, the rest of the movie is about the telephone worker chick turned Ninja killing a bunch of cops to get revenge on said cops since they were… you know, doing their job or whatever. Either way, the good news is we get:
A) An overly long workout/aerobics session - complete with sweaty, leering men who can’t WAIT to get their sex on.
B) A cop boyfriend who is creepier and more obnoxiously misogynistic than the horny crew from the aforementioned aerobics session.
C) The strangest seduction sequence you will ever see - FYI apparently pouring thick, lukewarm V8 juice down your semi-naked body and having your HAIRY AS FUCK (seriously, I’m talking Harry and the Hendersons level body hair) asshole boyfriend lick it off slowly is super hot in 80s culture.
D) Inexplicable magical arcade games that maybe possess her also (?)
And so much more!
Look, I could wax on and on about how the Ninja sword she took from the dead Ninja that possessed her occasionally floats around awkwardly for no reason, or how the climactic one liner realization of the film was: “ONLY A NINJA… CAN KILL ANOTHER NINJA!!” The logic of which boggles the mind, and conjures some very dark philosophical questions regarding the depths of Ninja culture if true. But, at the end of the day, none of that matters. All that matters is one, simple question: Was I entertained?
A: Generally.
“Ninja III: The Domination” is unabashedly what it is - the epitome of 80s schlock. It’s self aware enough to exist, but not so much so that there isn’t at least one golden eye patched Ninja present, albeit silent, like most of the time. In conclusion: it was funnier than ‘Dumb and Dumber To’ and it wasn’t even trying to be! That makes it a success in my book.
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